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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26083396">Aman's Existential Dread</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajeeb_ladki/pseuds/ajeeb_ladki'>ajeeb_ladki</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abhishek Tripathi - Freeform, Be nice to me because I'm soft and can't handle criticism, Devika - Freeform, Gay, Jeetu Bhaiya, M/M, Neel from Cheesecake, One Shot, Srijoy, idk how you guys write this was my first time doing it and it's really stressful, this is my first time writing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:20:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,646</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26083396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajeeb_ladki/pseuds/ajeeb_ladki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Aman finally mustered up some words and began to speak, “Please…. don’t say sorry…. It’s not you... I mean, it’s kind of you….” The color from Kartik’s face drained after hearing that, but he didn’t have the courage to interrupt Aman and defend himself, so he let Aman continue “the town I come from….” Aman couldn’t believe he was about to tell these absolute strangers something he had never told anyone before, “… it’s a small town in Banaras, and my family… they… don’t know… yet… they don’t know yet… they don’t know I’m…. the thing is I’ve never told them… I know they wouldn’t accept…”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Aman's Existential Dread</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Friday Evening 6 PM:</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Aman Tripathi sat looking out the window of his one-bedroom apartment. It was Friday evening after work, and he had absolutely no plans. He looked at the happy faces of the people down below with envy. It wasn’t an all-consuming green envy, but more of a blip of envy which every 20-something experiences when they realize their life isn’t where it “should” be. He just didn’t understand how people could feel genuine happiness in this world. He felt like everyone else received an instruction manual when they came to this planet, but somehow, he had missed the “Welcome to Earth” orientation. He didn’t understand how people had actual life goals and seemed like they knew what they wanted with such surety; his life had been predominately dictated by his family.</p><p> </p><p>He had only recently moved out of his extended-family’s house in Banaras, and for the first time was making decisions for himself. He had lied and said he had a job offer at a multi-national advertising corporation, and would have to move out to a new city. The truth was he had gotten a position advertising toothpaste in the mall, but his overprotective parents would never let him leave the house if he had told them that. His mother would give him a 2-hour lecture, and his father would pretend to hang himself from a fan (as always), so he decided he had to lie so he could finally live his life on his own terms.</p><p> </p><p>The job paid well enough that he was able to afford a one-bedroom apartment, and he was better off than many. His cousin Abhishek had recently gotten a job in some village named phootera or progeria or something and was only getting paid 20,000 rupees. At least he would be working in an airconditioned mall instead of some village in the middle-of-nowhere. His friend from college, Srijoy, worked at a shoe store in the mall and had helped him land this advertising gig and was able to help him find a low-rent apartment.</p><p> </p><p>Aman thought coming to this new city and being on his own would help solve all his problems, but it was just making him feel more alone. He had been in this new town 6 months and he had yet to make any new friends. Srijoy was busy with his fiancé Enakshi, so they only hung out once or twice a month. So, most of Aman’s time was spent looking out this window and wallowing in self-pity or watching web-series to escape his mundane life. He wished he could have a life like Neel from the web-series Cheesecake, people like Neel had it so easy. Neel was pretty, had a beard to die for, and everything came so easily to him, but it felt like nothing came easily to Aman.</p><p> </p><p>Aman finally decided it was time to stop staring out the window, he would get his mind off everything by watching starting another webseries. He had yet to see the Kota Factory show everyone was talking about, and it featured that same Jitendra Kumar guy from Cheesecake.</p><p> </p><p>He sat down with the intention to watch only one episode and fall asleep right after, but it was 3 AM, and he had finished the entire series. After hearing Jeetu Bhaiya’s words he felt like he could take over the world. “Tu late hai lekin akela nahi Hai”, “Every child is special yeh bakwaas hai”, “bheek toh maang mat tu”. No one had ever made life seem so simple before. Aman decided to go to sleep right after watching, but for the first time in a while he went to sleep with a smile on his face.</p><p> </p><p>------------------------</p><p>
  <strong>Saturday Morning 10 AM:</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Aman woke up in the morning feeling groggy, the motivation he felt last night at 3 AM had worn off. Jeetu Bhaiya’s words sounded nice at 3 AM in the morning, but now it was 10 AM and all Aman wanted to do was just relax by his window again, and people-watch while eating a bowl of sugary cereal. After his third bowl of Frootloops, Aman felt guilty, and Jeetu Bhaiya’s words were rumbling in his head “Bheek toh tu maang mat, kuch chahiye toh mehnat kar aur cheen le”, he realized if he just kept sitting here his life would continue to be the same humdrum for who knows how long. Instead of people-watching maybe he would join that crowd, and see why they were so happy walking even when it seemed like they were getting nowhere.</p><p> </p><p>Aman got dressed and went outside for a walk. He was so out of shape that he barely made it a full kilometer before running out of breath. This was the last time he would take advice from a fictional character. “What does Jeetu Bhaiya even know about life??? He’s never been a toothpaste salesman who has no clue what he’s doing with his life.” Aman thought to himself. He had never been this cynical about life before, but this new town was making him into this person he didn’t recognize, he felt his life was black and white like the characters in Kota Factory.</p><p> </p><p>Aman walked back to his apartment; he was sore from the walk. He didn’t want to admit it, but the walk had put him in a slightly better mood, some additional serotonin may have produced. The rest of his day continued the same as his other Saturdays browsing Instagram, watching Netflix and finishing the chores he had neglected during the week.</p><p> </p><p>------------------------</p><p>
  <strong>Sunday Morning 10 AM:</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>After the semi-successful walk from the previous day, Aman decided he would mayhaps give walking another chance. After eating a healthy breakfast of only two (2) bowls of Frootloops, Aman once again laced up his Sketchers and went on his way.</p><p> </p><p>He set out to go to the park 2.5 km from his house, so that back and forth it would be at least 5 km and he could feel a sense of accomplishment. By the time he reached the park he was a sweaty mess, and decided it would be impossible to go back to his apartment without taking a break. Aman sat on the park bench, his heart was beating so fast and loud, he felt sick and hoped no one would see him looking like a complete mess. He started muttering under his own breath that he would never take another morning walk ever again. Aman didn’t want to be bothered or noticed.</p><p> </p><p>He suddenly noticed someone staring right at him and walking towards him, what did this guy want? There were 10 empty park benches, why was the guy walking towards him?? He first thing he noticed was the guy’s colorful attire, an extremely bold choice to wear to the park. The colorful guy sat right next to Aman, and Aman rolled his eyes. The guy spoke “Do you have any problem with me sitting here?? I saw that eye roll.” Aman uttered “No, but there’s other empty benches and I’m so sweaty right now wouldn’t you rather just sit somewhere else?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, this is exactly where I want to sit. I’ve been watching you mutter under your breath for the last 5 minutes. I was thinking this guy is either a psycho serial killer, or he wants to talk to someone so bad that he’s just talking to himself. I’m Kartik Singh by the way. Do you have a name?” said Kartik.</p><p> </p><p>Before Aman could speak a girl, came running over “KARTIK I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR THE PAST 5 MINUTES?? You just disappeared. Oh, sorry I didn’t realize you were sitting with a friend, Hi I’m Devika!” she blushed, feeling embarrassed that she interrupted a conversation between two friends.</p><p> </p><p>Aman started speaking “Actually, we’re not exactly friends. We just met, and….” Kartik interrupted “…. and he was talking under his breath, so I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t some sort of serial killer. I was actually trying to protect you Devika bro, and this is the thanks I get?? Wow. Just wow.”</p><p> </p><p>“KARTIK!! Stop, I’m so sorry for my friend. He has no filter and has watched too much Criminal Minds, he even accused me of being a serial killer after I bit into a Kit-Kat bar without breaking it into two pieces first. He said, ‘Only a serial killer would eat a Kit-Kat like that’” Devika said trying to cover up for her friend’s embarrassing behavior.</p><p> </p><p>Aman finally spoke, “I’m Aman. First of all, I’m not a serial killer.”</p><p><br/>
“Oh, Thank God. You’re so cute, and I didn’t want you to be a serial killer.” Kartik blurted out.</p><p> </p><p>“KARTIK. I’m so stupid for bringing you out into public places!! Why are you the way that you are.” Devika scolded. She continued, “I’m so sorry if my friend has offended you Aman. I’d like to say he’s usually not like this, but this is actually tame for him, but he has a good heart and that’s why I’ve been putting up with this loser for the past 18 years.” Devika could see a spark in Kartik’s eyes when he spoke to Aman, so she invited him over. “We were actually eating brunch if you wanted to join us.”</p><p> </p><p>Aman started thinking on one hand Kartik seemed a little too much, but he couldn’t deny Kartik Singh was cute and he looked a bit like Ayushmann Khurrana. Aman had always had a tiny crush on Ayushmann. Ayushmann had come to Aman’s college during roadies; Aman and his friends had found the room Ayush was staying in and took selfies and had chatted all night with him.</p><p> </p><p>Kartik was staring at Aman’s lips hoping that the next words out of his mouth would be “Yes”, when Aman agreed to eat lunch with them Kartik breathed a sigh of relief. They moved over to the picnic spot Kartik and Devika had set up just behind a little tree in the park.</p><p> </p><p>There was an awkward silence. Kartik was unusually quiet. Devika knew her friend, he had the self-control of a 2-year-old. She knew he probably went over to Aman’s bench as a split-second decision, but now that Aman was actually here Kartik didn’t want to make a fool of himself. Kartik was rarely at a loss of words, so she knew he must really like Aman. So, Devika tried to break the ice “Actually, Kartik and I come here every Sunday to have a picnic. After he broke up with his boyfriend, I promised him to cheer him up I’d have a weekly Sunday picnic. This tradition has been going on for the past three years, I wouldn’t have agreed if I had known he wouldn’t have a boyfriend for this long.”</p><p> </p><p>“Excuse me, I don’t have a boyfriend yet, because I know my self-worth. I know I’m worth it, and no man deserves to be with Kartik Singh unless they’re special.” Kartik confidently stated.</p><p> </p><p>Aman started to tear up. Aman had never heard someone talking so casually about being gay before, and Kartik seemed so proud of it. Aman never knew being gay was something someone could be proud of. Aman had hidden his sexuality from his family, and even at times from himself, because it would be so much easier just to be like everyone else.</p><p> </p><p>He still remembered the little comments his father would make while watching movies like Kal Ho Nah Ho when the scenes between SRK, Saif Ali Khan, and Kanta Bhen would come on, “This type of media is where kids learn about being gay. In my time being gay didn’t exist, and we actually had family values.” After hearing comments like these Aman had internalized the idea that maybe he wasn’t normal, but seeing Kartik being proud of being gay, Aman finally felt a feeling that was foreign to him. He felt acceptance.</p><p> </p><p>Devika saw the tears streaming down Aman’s face and intervened “Aman?? Are you okay?? Kartik What did you do now??”</p><p> </p><p>“Devika, I’ve been here right in front of you this whole time. I literally didn’t do anything.” Kartik defended himself. He had just met Aman, but he knew one thing, he never wanted to see tears in this man’s eyes. He wanted to protect Aman with every cell in his body, and he hoped he wasn’t the one who caused these tears. “Aman what happened? Bro, I’m sorry for what I said before? Are you still mad that I thought you were a serial killer? I’m sorry. I didn’t actually think you were a serial killer, I just saw you sitting alone and it looked like you could use some company. Aman. I’m sorry. Please stop crying.”</p><p> </p><p>Aman finally mustered up some words and began to speak, “Please…. don’t say sorry…. It’s not you... I mean, it’s kind of you….” The color from Kartik’s face drained after hearing that, but he didn’t have the courage to interrupt Aman and defend himself, so he let Aman continue “the town I come from….” Aman couldn’t believe he was about to tell these absolute strangers something he had never told anyone before, “… it’s a small town in Banaras, and my family… they… don’t know… yet… they don’t know yet… they don’t know I’m…. the thing is I’ve never told them… I know they wouldn’t accept…”</p><p> </p><p>Devika could see Aman struggling, so she tried to help him muster up the courage to speak “They don’t know what Aman? Hey it’s okay, you can tell us. Whatever it is you can share it with us. We promise it’ll only stay between us.”</p><p> </p><p>Aman started to speak again “They… don’t know I’m gay… I like men…” Aman looked at Kartik “you’re the first guy I’ve met… who… is proud to like guys?? And somehow you’re not at all ashamed of it..... I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that I just meant… you’re so accepting and I didn’t know being gay was something I didn’t have to be ashamed of.”</p><p> </p><p>The color returned to Kartik’s face, he felt relieved he hadn’t been the one to cause Aman to cry, “Being gay isn’t something to cry about. Your straight enemies should be the ones crying, cause they don’t have the honor of being gay.”</p><p> </p><p>Devika also breathed a sigh of relief “Oh Thank god. I thought you were crying because of something Kartik said. It’s a relief for the first time my friend isn’t making someone cry for the wrong reasons. Aman, even Kartik’s dad isn’t accepting of his sexuality. You don’t get to choose the family you end up in, but you do get to choose the friends who become your family. Humse dosti karoge? Even Kartik is harmless, he might bark a lot, but he doesn’t bite.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey wtf Devika bro! If you don’t shut up, maybe I’ll actually bite!” Kartik said feigning offense. Kartik softened his tone and looked at Aman, “But yes, ‘humse dosti karoge?’ just don’t put me in the friendzone. It’s hard to meet gay men anyways, without Devika automatically putting them in the friendzone”</p><p> </p><p>A wave of acceptance had washed over Aman. After 6 months in a new city, and a lifetime in Banaras before that, Aman had finally felt some sort of belonging which only came with admitting things he’d even hidden from himself. He’d only known these people for less than an hour, but already felt like he fit in better than he’d ever fit in, in his life. There was just something about this Devika girl that made him feel at ease, and something about this Kartik guy that felt like. Home??</p><p> </p><p>Aman had lived in a house his whole life, surrounded by people that loved him, but that’s all it was a “house”. But there was something about this Kartik Singh which felt like Home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, a lot of you guys probably know me from instagram. I'm the last person you'd expect to write an FF. I'm not gonna put my name, because in case everyone hates this I can deny writing it. If this gets like 15 kudos and people don't think it sucks I might reveal who I am.</p><p>This is my first time writing anything like this, so I'm not really sure how to do dialogues between characters, but I really hope you guys like it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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